Life

My life has changed - some say, for good. In fact existence would be a more appropriate word to describe my state. 'Life' as I knew ended the day I began my 'professional life'. All that's left of life now, is bare existence - I wake up, I complete daily chores, I go to office, I come back to my house (cage), I watch T.V., I read newspaper/books, I go to bed and I wake up. This rather monotonous cycle captures my life- my existence. To be continued ...

Home

I am heading for home day after tomorrow. The period of 5 years passed by so quickly that, at times I feel I stepped into the premises of NLS (soon to be my alma mater) only a couple of weeks back. The grief of leaving an entire gamut of things, places and people associated with law school- friends, teachers, hostel et.al.; far outweighs the prospect of happiness that I hope to derive from spending time in the city I hail from and with my family. When I force (only because my mind is weary with grief) myself to think about aspects of my life at law school that I will miss the most; those idle conversations with friends- in room, on hostel rooftop, in class, in Nagarbhavi ... stand out- it is amazing to think how those desultory (often nonsensical) conversations played a major part in developing and nurturing a bond so strong. Before I end this post, I must acknowledge the role of my best friend in making my stay in Bangalore a pleasant experience- often, at great discomfort to herself. Although a number of not so pleasant accounts of my prospective workplace and about professional life in general have been conveyed to me; being an incorrigible optimist that I am; I hope my experience in professional life makes me say ... It was all worth it!!

लक्ष्य

-----------------------------------------
निर्धारित-लक्ष्य को भेदकर भी मन में क्यों उल्लास नहीं!

अनिश्चितता के दुर्ग की देहरी पर पहुंचकर भी क्यों;
विजय -पताका फहराने की मन में कोई आस नहीं!

मीलों प्यासे चलने पर जब कूप दिखाई दिया है;
तो भी पथिक-मन डोरी खींचने भर करता क्यों प्रयास नहीं !

--------------------------------

Tears

I have always been thankful to you and even the most drastic change in circumstances or your opinion about me will not effect this feeling. At mos times you fill my life with joy for which I don't have words to express my gratitude. So why should I complain about the tears that your bring to my eyes - I won't wipe them but let them trickle down to my heart for I am indeed thankful to you for these tears as well. Thank you!

Trust

Many days have passed since we resolved to begin a journey together. A journey which we agreed to embark upon telling each other we'll always trust each other- no matter what happens. That resolve was weakened by my mistakes and it was very late when I realised disclosure without hesitating for a moment was the key to earning one's trust and I did that. Even if I was embarrassed to share certain things with you I disclosed those to you - not fearing that I might lose you, not hesitating at all. But something happened in the interim- perhaps my realisation happened very late or perhaps I had done irredeemable damage by then. I am not sure- what I am sure of is the fact that I ever since the realisation dawned upon me, I have been honest with you - like I have been with no one else, perhaps not even to myself. In spite of this when I find that what I have gained in terms of your trust is a pittance I feel truly and terribly hurt. I just want to escape from this harsh reality and go hide myself somewhere. I don't know what to do or whom to go to.

For my best friend

Dear Friend,

This is to wish you a very happy Valentine's day. I know the feelings that we share for each other do not require the pretext of any such 'day' for our love gets fresher and stronger with each passing day nevertheless, I am choosing this occasion to let you know that you're invaluable for me. This minute when you are on board a mode of transport headed for your home I am thinking of you and the moments we spent together. I am realising how distance brings people together- by allowing them to collate and crystallise all those figments of their memory they want to cherish. Take care my friend and have a nice and fulfilling stay at your home. Wish you all the best!

Yours,

N.B.

Luck By Chance

Realistic without being pontificating and/or boring- this is how I would like to describe Luck By Chance. In trying to project problems faced by new-comers in the Hindi film industry the movie does not ignore other subtle aspects- the scene where Vikram Jai Singh's (character played by Farhan) aunt (mousi) tells her she is happy with him staying with her but she needs to know what he's doing for a livelihood and how long he intends to stay with her; and the change in her attitude after he lands the lead role in a big-banner movie. Not to forget how well stardom (and what it does to people) has been illustrated in the movie through various characters. Music is another strong point of the movie. Hats off to Farhan, Konkona, Zoya and everyone else who contributed to the production and release of this entertaining movie !!!

On a different note, this movie forces me to think about the definition and significance of luck. The last movie that forced me to think similarly was Match Point. Is luck an inexplicable, uncontrollable, unfathomable force? Or is it just a figment of imagination of those who don't succeed? I tend to think that what matters is one's decisions vis-a-vis his/her competitors' decisions and the interplay between the various permutations and combinations that result therefrom. But what about matters of birth- especially so (as delineated in this movie) when birth alone is enough to ensure an entry into a profession with otherwise apparently insurmountable barriers to entry. These are questions that linger in my mind- if a movie can directly or indirectly contribute to crystallisation of such questions; I am sure it must have been a product of genuine efforts on part of the unit.

The kid in me

At times such as these when I feel scared and vulnerable I realise I never matured and I am as much a kid as I was perhaps one or two decades back. Thinking about all the change in me and things around me that effect me, I begin to wonder if I ever wanted all this.

I think of times when there were lot of people (most of all, my father and my mother) to protect me, people I could run to, people who understood me, people who loved me for all my faults.

The thought that hurts me the most is me being all alone at a time when I need all the support. People who could have filled the void misunderstood me, like always. The thought that scares me is that of entering the bad world outside and not having anyone to fall back on without embarrassing myself. The thought that worries me is that nothing will be the same in another six odd months for the person whom I expected would understand me at all times has refused yet again, to believe me.

Decay

My counterpart speaks of a decay in the system. It was indeed heartening to know that such topics still hold potential to attract people's thoughts. Even as I was reading those profound words certain thoughts began surfacing in my mind. I am told bribes were paid in relation to the NYP, 2009 (after all it was a question of preserving Law School culture) in order to please cops into refraining from enforcing certain rules. People who contributed to the party corpus were aware of this head of expenditure. On account of this, I feel kind of compelled to ask- isn't such behaviour equally if not more responsible for the so called decay in the system?

Although the argument turns on the definition of this cliched (in this post) phrase, assuming it were to receive some colour from the word democracy (mentioned in the mail) and the apparent tenor of the mail; I believe it doesn't require much thought to infer that the manner in which such bribes were paid to cops (and I assume it has become an accepted practice) the decay in the system can be attributed (to a much greater extent) to chain of events surrounding occasions such as the NYP, 2009.

I think, of greater significance is the tendency of people to quickly fall back on arguments such as decay in the system when something hurts them or bothers them - forgetting how they might have contributed to the decay. But then, as long as one gets to consume booze, dance, party and enjoy oneself in the process who really cares about whether our system is in a state of decay.